One Year Ago

I have flunked my blog....I haven't updated "Linda Brick's Bad Booby Blog" for over six months.  So much has happened. I did sail through radiation very easily. Walked almost every morning after my appointments.  My right one looks very tan...it may stay that way forever.  So I will have to self tan the other one. (Hopefully that doesn't cause cancer!!!)

One year since my diagnosis.  One year since I was sick to my stomach wondering how long I would live,  the doctors have all been very positive about my prognosis, even in the face of a more aggressive breast cancer.  One day at a time forever!

The truth is, we all are on our path towards eventually dying.  We are not immortal and so we must strive to do good and lead the life that God has chosen for us,  I hope that this cancer isn't what eventually takes my life, but more immediately I hope I don't get in a car crash driving across The
Upper  Michigan Peninsula in a snowstorm with gale force winds right now as my husband and I are on our way to see my only daughter in Minnesota.

It really is all relative.  Thank you Dr Leslie and Dr Dave for helping me with this reality!

Peace to those women in my life that have experienced this reality as well this year.  We are sisters forever now!

Linda

Radiation August 7th

A whirlwind weekend was had in California for a beautiful wedding in Pasadena.  Life is ever experiencing change and new passages.  I was actually the guest book girl for the mother of the bride at the same reception country club over 30+ years ago. And now her beautiful daughter Katie married and celebrated with her husband in the same surroudings.  No guest book girl though!

So then last Tuesday, August 7th, I started my first day of radiation.  Paula P went with me to meet with Dr. Dave's assistant.  She reviewed the procedure, and then I was led down to the treatment area. So my NEW friends in the radiation area are Lori, Liz, and John.  John frequently gets to see my whole boob right in his face!!!!  Again, they strap me down, arms above my head, knees over a triangular pillow, ankles strapped.  Yep, just like “Shades of Grey”.  Anyhow, we will see how it goes!  Dosage time seems to only be a about two minutes. Breakfast afterwards.  This is my life for 29 more days, not including weekends!

I am  wondering what side efffects I will have - drinking aloe vera gel and using emu oil topically to hopefully lessen the side effects.

My hair is barely starting to grow back WHITE - all but one eyelash remains on each eye - and I slightly lost some eyebrow hairs on each eyebrow. DAMN!  (I hear the new thing is tatooing for older women whose eyebrows have turned white - not sure I can go there - these better grow back!)  The word is that the first hair to be lost, is the first to come back,  and the last hair to go (eyebrows just last month) is the last to come back.

 I wonder if I will be glowing by September?

Maggie My Love - September 22, 1999 - July 26,2012

July 26th was the day we decided that we finally had to put our sweet Old English Sheepdog Maggie to rest.  It doesn't seem right that we have this power over our pets...they say it is the right thing to do to prevent them from suffering. The guilt is overwhelming!

Maggie was the sweetest and worst dog we ever had!  She peed and pooped all over the carpet from the start of moving into our new home ten years ago. Vomiting too!  For some reason she couldn't choose to hit the tile or wood floor, it had to be the carpet! In her defense, she was a stress pee-er...meaning at times when I would leave her alone she would do it because she was upset. At least that is what the vet said. 

Then as the years went by, the lightening and thunder would terrify her. If we weren't home...she would go downstairs and pee and poop during a storm.  When Uncle Bob would come to visit, she would always leave her mark outside his room. She would become ill  if she somehow ate something she shouldn't have and then yuk there it was again right on the carpet.  These are the reasons she was the worst dog ever. We will have to replace our carpeting and padding in our 6000 square foot house as she has managed to hit every floor in our house right where the spots can be seen!  Imagine a 98 lb dog's bladder size!

She loved me completely, unconditionally. Actually probably almost better than my own children! She totally lived to love me! Wherever I went in the house, she followed me. She slept on the floor next to my bed.  If I had to sleep on the couch because of Dan's snoring, she would find me and sleep next to me.  Always protecting me! 

For many years she would come to work with me in our warehouse office. Many of our customers would love to see her and bring her cookies.  Every morning when I would leave to go to the office, she would watch me and jump up, not to be left behind.

Then one day, she did not want to come with me anymore.  And she wouldn't climb up the stairs in our house anymore to be with me. It was hard to be without her, knowing that she wanted to be with me but couldn't.

Two weeks ago she was diagnosed with an osteosarcoma in her shoulder.  She had started to limp right after her last bath.  I thought she was just sore from over manipulation during her grooming.  When she didn't get better after a few days, I took her to the vet and had her leg X-rayed. The initial diagnosis was a pinched nerve, but the possibility of it being something more was suggested. So with more pain meds I took her home, hoping it would get better.  Her hind legs were already making it hard for her to get up, in fact I had to constantly lift her up from behind to get her up to go outside potty or for her meals.  Once up, she was able to move around pretty good.  And there were times when I wasn't there to help her, that somehow she managed to move where she wanted to go.  But when she started limping with her front leg, everything was harder for her.  She would fall when she was going potty, falling in it, and being embarrassed.  Cleaning her up was not easy.  I called the vet to tell him the limp was not getting better.  Being her main doctor, who had not yet looked at the X-rays from Maggie’s weekend visit, he told me that he feared she had bone cancer.  And that on a scale of one to ten, ten being worst, this was about a nine.  He told me there was nothing we could do, and that the best course of action would be to put her down.  He said we didn't have to do it that day, but that we should discuss it as a family. The quality of her life was diminishing daily.

The next day after talking to the doctor, we had a surprise party at our home for Scott and Mariclare’s 25th wedding anniversary.  I did not want that to be the day we made a decision.  And somehow Maggie rallied for the party, everyone told her how pretty she was and gave her love.

July 26th, she could hardly get up..she hadn't been eating much, and she was much thinner.  We decided that we needed to take her. . . Tommy went with me and was my rock. He stayed with her until the very end. I only wanted to stay until she was in a deep sleep, which was supposed to take 3-5 minutes according to the doctor.  TWENTY minutes later we were still petting her and talking to her. She did not want to sleep!  When it seemed like she was  finally  in a deep sleep, not lifting her head up anymore,I left the room.  I sat in my car outside crying.  Another woman with her dog came out, saw me and started crying too. 

When it was over, Tommy came out and took me home.  I threw out everything that belonged to her ao I wouldn’t have to see it.  Then, Tommy and I decided to go to Red Ginger to have lunch and a goodbye drink for Maggie. Tommy had a Mai-Tai, and I had a non-alcoholic beer. After a few sips, Tommy said to me, “Mom, I wasn't going to tell you this until you were on your deathbed, but Maggie lifted her head up twice after you left.”. I asked him if he thought she knew I wasn't there.  He was sweet and said “no mom”.  He said the doctor and the assistant cried as they injected her.  She was a good old girl.  She was the best dog and the worst dog.

I will miss her love.

Blogging at the Laundromat

Just catching up after returning from Ireland, last Chemo and 11 days of company for Cherry Festival....the Cherry Festival is what started it all for the Brick's moving to Traverse City 17 years ago now.  WOW!

Saw the radiooncologist the day before my last chemo.  I have to have six weeks of radiation, should only take 5 to 10 minutes, five days a week for six weeks.....it is that long because the size of the Boob, not because of the kind of cancer. 

Talk about "Shades of Grey", (if you have read it you know what I am talking about,if not, oh well).. Dr.H and a tech had to Tatoo me to get ready for when I start my treatments...Aug 7th...SO...they put me on a table, boob exposed, knees up and over a triangular pillow, ankles strapped together, arms lifted up and over my head,not allowed to move, with two men looking at me (sorry Dr.Leslie H but true!!!) and so I said to them “hey, this is just like out of the book,”Shades of Grey”..and they knew what I was talking about but denied reading it!  Whoops...all about the position which reminded me of the book!

Last Chemo...Whoopee was Tuesday, July 3rd.  I wore the Conehead wig (?) provided me by Katie M once again!  It was the “piece de resistanz”...one of the nurses couldn't stop laughing and I am sure put my picure on her Facebook page after she took my picture. Dr. K wondered in amazement what they would do without me (sorry but I pray I don't ever have to go back) and the other patients just wondered about me when I walke into the treatment area.  I told them that I had finally gone bald.

Final symptoms from Chemo so far;

Nails are awful...may lose them..but hey they have fakes for that!

No eyelashes..my eyelids look like inside out little vulvas!

Watery eyes...never stops and make- up doesn't stay on. REALLY ANNOYING!

But I still have my eyebrows, just in case I bought fakes!

Thankfully I haven't gotten sick, because I had a whole houseful of guests and kids with sore throats this week!

A few cold sores in the mouth.

Weight gain,  oh yeah, that's not because of the Chemo, it is because of the company and partying!

Gotta go....my laundry at the laundromat is done (yep, my washing machine broke while I had a house of 11)..more company tomorrow.

Christian music is playing in the Laundromat...it is beautiful,  I take it as a Sign, to live everyday to the fullest!  That is hard to do sometimes, but I am trying!

I pity the Cancer- Mrs. T-Linda

Repaired Booby goes to Ireland

Repaired Booby goes to Ireland

Two days post my #5 Chemo we left for our long awaited family trip,to Ireland!  Of note about my fifth session, I wore a Mr T wig provided for me by Sue M and Katie M. Of course I had to complete the outfit with the customary set of lots of gold chains.  Dr.K doesn't quite know what to do with me...but he did say his office will miss me when I stop coming.  The curious thing that he said though was ”after this, there is nothing more I can do for you”.  That didn't sound very promising, so I will have to question him about this on my last visit, July 3rd.

Worst thing about my reactions this time is the damn watery eyes...I look like my eyelids have been turned inside out and my eyes look like a ”deer in the headlights”. I continue to have all my moles in various areas of my body, especially my chest, inflame and then finally settle down.  My left arm, the vein area where the chemo goes in appeared to burn this time.  Kinda bothers me because there aren't too many choices when it comes to this without having to do a port...my right arm is out of commission because of the lymph nodes that were removed.  Oh and my finger nails look hideous, as if they are lifting because all of the sudden there is more white than pink...but they are stronger then they have ever been...weird!

I am going to get a second opinion about the melano-cysts that were found in the lymph nodes to make sure that they are not a precursor to anything else..I expect to hear from the University of Michigan's Melanoma clinic when I get home....but first I have my sister's family coming to visit, and a week of Cherry Festival to get through first!

So...our trip to Ireland included our whole family, DJ, Megan and Joe, Tommy and Jack! A trip we have dreamed about for five years!  The timing was just right!  College graduations accomplished, DJ leaving for law school in August, Megan and Joe moving into their first big home two days after they return, and Jack’s summer school schedule  accommodating his absence.

We had lots of laughs, lots of Guinness and  Bulmers, Beautiful countryside and breathtaking shorelines.  We dined at some very special places taking advantage of eating all of the fresh seafood which we are not used to having in Traverse City.  For three days we all stayed in one house together which was a blast..except the mattresses sucked!  But it was fun to have us all together under one roof and able to relax in the living area by a fire. (interesting sharing two baths with 7 people, only 2 women sharing with all of the guys, toilet seats always left up..I actually thought I had taught them all better than that!)

The biggest lesson of the trip for me is that as much as I know that I will always be their mom, and want to help them with suggestions about how to navigate life with my recommendations, they are no longer mine.  I don't own them, and they don't owe me anything.  They will go through the passages of their lives without requiring my assistance and really not wanting my advice too often, and only if they ask.  And once they ask, chances are they will not take my advice anyway...it is just the way Life is meant to be...they all have to row their own boat.  All I can do is pray they all have safe journeys,  that they are happy in their hearts, and hope they know how deeply I love each and every one of them, and hope they forgive me for any mistakes they feel I made raising them.  And hope that someday they understand...

My hope is that we can keep them all together at least once each year so they realize the importance of staying close even if they live far apart.  Often a struggle for many families, and I can't say that I have been good about keeping close to my own relatives.  Once you have your own children, you make them so important for so long, you are like in a fog trying to raise them.  And the distance of the miles makes it hard too! 

Of course, by the next big trip, they should all be able to take us!!!!!

It was a blast, and certainly a bucket list for us all!

We had a family photo taken by Elaine Kennedy while in Dingle.  I will be excited to see it...wig, watery eyes and all.. . Of course everyone gave me grief about it...can't wait until they all try to do their own photos with their families someday ...what goes around comes around and I hope I will be around to just smile at their frustration and tell them ”I know how you feel”.

IREland....goodbye!

Dear Diary after Chemo #4

So I haven't written in awhile...busy with company from Minnesota after chemo #4. Sue M. And Katie M., mother and daughter who helped me make it through. Just needed two naps...and I kept up. I will admit that I go to bed earlier these days. The hot topic was "Shades of Grey"' so I admit I am reading it...Holy Smoke...the "vanilla sex" just about did me in....and my 26 year old daughter has read all three books. Man, I sure didn't tell her enough about the "facts of life" based on this book, YIKES! Some of the girls in my book club thought it was just wrong.....so a few of us started a "sub"club" and we will have props to show for our next reading. Holy Cow .....even the town of Newport , Rhode Island is hot for this book..the book store in town is buying back used copies because they can't keep them on the shelves. Those of you who have read the book will know the meaning behind the use of the phrase "Holy________" because the lead character uses it a lot and she is a very well read heroine!!!! .I will probably have a hard time sitting still on the plane as we fly to Ireland next week (all 7 of us! :) as I intend to download the next two sequel books on my IPAD so I have some good reading for the trip. Symptoms now are dry skin, it wants to crawl, rummy eyes again although not as bad, burnt tongue, and kinda pooped! Work is ending for e...not sure if I quit or just got ignored. Stress causes cancer,,,hmmmm! Needing to catch up with friends...but tired now and will sleep. " Shepard Me O God Beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into Life"